RACING SOUTH

She’d dump him for sure.

Danny always said he was a fool but that was more to do with his choice of  footie teams and pizza, older brothers are like that he’d figured, taking every opportunity to tease, call him a pest. But this time Danny was right.

Turning the globe upside down, Josh’s finger traced the meridian to 90⁰S, a line worn thin by years of longing for that magical place of his boyhood dreams. Since schooldays, tales of Shackleton and Mawson had lit his world with daring, courage and adventure. Now, with the reality so close, he hesitated. It wasn’t for any lack of guts, he reasoned, he’d planned his life with his dream in mind. No, this was a different fear, one that had been gnawing at him on and off since the envelope arrived, the one he’d waited for, the one marked Australian Antarctic Division, Kingston, Tasmania.

‘You’d have to be an idiot to give her up for a shot at that cold hell?’ Danny said shaking his head, ‘you two get on like a house on fire, where are you going to find another girl like Jess?’

Josh had frantically talked his family into how perfect it would be for him, he could still hear his excited voice, a fantastic opportunity Mum, of course I’ll stay in contact, nothing to fear Mum, I won’t take any stupid risks, promise! He’d convinced them all. Even Danny seemed impressed. How could he back out now?

‘It’s only for twelve months,’ Josh replied.

‘If you think she’s going to wait that long mate, you’ve got rocks in your head,’ Danny said grabbing a beer from the fridge. ‘You should have told her sooner.’

He hated when Danny was right. He’d tried to tell Jess about his new job but the timing was never quite right, as if it would spoil the moment to talk about him going away when all he wanted was to be with her. And like the poncy coward Danny always said he was, he backed off, changed the subject, promising himself he’d do it tomorrow.

Now the last tomorrow was here.

In the end the expedition job had been easy to arrange. They said he had the skills, the fitness, and the desire. Nothing to hold him back. Until now. He wouldn’t blame Jess if she was angry and break up with him. He didn’t mean to fall in love with her.

He’d kept sneaking a look at her that first night of evening class. Over zoom lenses and depth of field their eyes met, at cropping and editing she smiled, then they laughed that they had the same camera. ‘Would you like to go bird watching next Sunday?’ he’d asked hoping she would say yes. And that was the start. He’d marked the date in his diary, exactly five months ago.

He’d have to tell her, tonight. He couldn’t leave it any longer.

There’d been girlfriends before, nothing serious, girls at school and later while he completed his apprenticeship, young girls who laughed too much, who couldn’t understand his passion for the South Pole. ‘There’s nothing there,’ they’d say and roll their eyes. If he had to explain they weren’t worth the bother so he stopped sharing his best dream with girlfriends.

Jess was different — doesn’t mince her words, calls a spade a spade — he’d boasted to his mates when he first met her. And those eyes, no one should have eyes so green. Sometimes in the moonlight her eyes looked like something out of Avatar, only better, he’d bragged to Danny who simply punched his arm and told him he was a goner.

She said she didn’t like having her photograph taken, then slowly she’d let him take some shots of her eyes, her dark silky hair like molten chocolate tumbling over her shoulders and onto his pillow. He’d downloaded all of them though he didn’t need to look at any, each one forever etched on his mind. Once, while watching a group of wrens flit about down near the wetlands, she asked why he’d been at the photography class but he’d simply said that it was a new camera and he wanted to learn how to use it properly. This was too close to his dream of taking shots of penguins and icebergs so he changed the subject and asked her. She just shrugged her shoulders and changed the subject.

Now, there she was, waiting at the screen door, her tap tap tap rattling the grille, her scent drifting in on the breeze.

‘Would you like a beer?’ he asked, as he fled to the kitchen to take a deep breath. He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t look into those eyes just yet.

She rearranged the cushions from where the dogs had ruffled them. She always said that plumping pillows was her specialty as a nurse.

They sat together facing the sunset. Long streaks of golden light lit the air, dust particles swirled in the breeze, a kookaburra laughed in the distance.

‘Great sunset tonight, be a great day tomorrow,’ he said, wishing it was already tomorrow. He was sure she’d hear his heart thumping, it sounded like a drum to him, almost ready to pop right out of his chest.

He could feel Jess glance across at him as he carefully edged the label off his beer bottle and moulded them into soggy little papier-mâché shapes. His voice was flat as he spoke about his day, nothing like his usual excitement about making furniture out of reclaimed cedar. Then he stopped talking, the silence between them a mountain neither could climb.

He reached for her hand, entwining his fingers around hers, feeling his courage ebb back exposing all his fears. Maybe Danny was right, she would get lonely, find someone else.

‘Whatever is going on Josh? For the life of me I don’t understand your mood.’

He squeezed her hand and hopped up to get another beer.  ‘Jess, there’s something I have to tell you —’

‘Well if you’re going to break up with me just say it, get it over with.’

She looked at him with those eyes, he was sure they were blinking back tears. Damn this was going to be harder than he thought. How could he ask her to wait for him? He certainly wasn’t going to propose, way too soon for that and she’d probably say no, and she’d be right. But the thought of breaking up, or worse if she met someone else in the meantime was making him feel sick, or maybe it was two beers on an empty stomach.

‘Jess,’ he said taking a deep breath, ‘I’m going away. I’m going south to work — ‘

‘South? You mean down to Sydney?’

He watched her face, little frown lines between her eyes tensed. ‘Further south Jess, Antarctica. I’ve got a job as a carpenter at Mawson for a year. I leave in a month for my cold weather and safety training. I’ll be back next March.’

There he’d said it, but he didn’t feel any better.

She wouldn’t look him in the eye, tears were definitely starting to form, soon they would trickle down her face. ‘Well I hope you’ll have a wonderful time, send me a postcard.’ She stood up patting down her skirt.

This was what he had feared. ‘Don’t go Jess, we need to talk this through.’

‘What’s to talk about? You’re going away, you want to break up, I just wish you’d told me sooner.’

He tried to think straight. ‘I don’t understand Jess, what do you mean sooner? Do you mean we’ve been a waste of time? You know how much I care for you, this past months have been the best of my life. We are so alike, get on so well. Even Danny says we’re like peas in a pod. It’s just that I’ve wanted this all my life. It’s my passion.’

Jess turned to face him, ‘I know that passion Josh, it’s what I love about you. It’s infectious. I knew it at the photography class, and with the bird watching and the beautiful furniture you make and how you make love to me. I can understand how important this is to you.’

‘Danny says that you’ll get lonely, forget about me.’

Jess picked up the globe and traced her finger along the meridian to 90⁰S. ‘You know, when I was a little girl I wanted to go to the South Pole. I read all the books about Mawson’s hut, the cold, the ice-breakers, the penguins. Danny is a fool, how could I possibly forget you? We are so alike, we share the same dreams.’

‘Breaking up is the last thing I want to do,’ he said burying his face in her hair, breathing the smell of her, familiar, right.

‘You never asked me if I had any news,’ she said reaching into her pocket.

He could hear the rustling of paper as she handed him an envelope. He knew that logo, he knew that letterhead, he knew exactly where it was from, what it said and what it meant. He’d read his letter word for word a thousand times. He knew they needed nurses there as well as carpenters.

‘Race you there Josh.’